Fear and anger are called “negative” emotions, but love and its related feels have brought me far more suffering than any others.
Of course, you might ask if I believed that turning my back on society’s attempt to mold me really wouldn’t be punished? But the monstrosity of the punishment doesn’t fit the crime – and is quite cruel and unusual.
But that’s because human rejection isn’t a punishment for my “crimes” – it’s humanity’s revenge. We’ll see who has the last laugh.
Of course, there’s a whole other equation of choice and punishment, and I (mostly) own that.
As a mindful intellectual, I have spent the bulk of my time on this earth trying to understand facts better and trying to answer the deeper questions. And I have. But while I was doing this, everyone else was exploring and experiencing emotional growth.
I, for the most part, wasn’t – my focus was elsewhere.
I didn’t understand that there are different kinds of physical attraction. Genevieve, for example, was and is a beautiful woman, tall, slender, undeniably pretty. When I flirted with her 20 years ago and she flirted back, I was shocked that someone with such a classic and elegant beauty would be attracted to me. But being a fish out of water, I didn’t pursue her, because it was not my nature to pursue anyone – I didn’t have the skill or the confidence.
But she pursued me! She brought me into her office, sat me down, and confronted me about our interest in each other. So began a two decade journey and relationship.
Now, on the other side of that journey, with new emotional experience and growth, I think my emotional ignorance may have stolen possibility from both of us – because I didn’t know that there was a more primal level of attraction.
So after the long, slow, fizzle out of our romantic relationship I began to reach out to make new connections, to explore.
That’s when I met Denise.
Well, actually, I met Denise several years before, while working on an IT job for a client – she worked there too. Petite and sweet, I was smitten with her right away, but at that point I was still too reserved to ask her out. If I had, who knows what might have happened.
Recently I had made it a practice to engage in more social events – normally an anathema to me, as I prefer to nest and not go out. But I knew that nesting would not help me find a new mate, so I pushed myself into partaking of external social events.
Upon signing up for one of these, I noticed a familiar face – Denise’s – whom I thought I recognized from the job way back when. I sent her a message, she replied, and we began talking.
Talking quickly turned into meeting. Out first conversation was about philosophy, as that was the event we both had signed up for. But philosophy led into more personal conversation about choices that we and our family were making.
I was enchanted. Denise was intelligent, thoughtful, warm, kind, and adorable.
I mean that quite literally; I adored her. I adored her sweet smile, her warm eyes, her feminine loveliness, and most of all, her petite stature.
And this was the other kind of physical attraction. Beauty is attractive in any of it’s forms, but when you find the specific kind of beauty that calls especially to you, that level of enchantment is completely something else. That kind of allure doesn’t fade over time. Denise wasn’t just beautiful to me, she was epic.
As it happened, I had just seen a very funny and heartwarming movie in the theaters; I asked her if I could take her to it – she said yes. We enjoyed it together.
We started exchanging long and increasingly intimate emails. Denise would tell me about her life and I would tell her about mine. She was incredibly emotionally supportive; I held myself to the same standard in supporting her.
The next time we met was absolutely the best day of my life. Hear me now, I am not using hyperbole. This is not poetic license. This is simply a true fact.
I should have known the mother of all falls awaited – but that was still to come.
We got together to hang out at the local froyo place, but it didn’t open until noon, so we got some breakfast at the diner across the street. We talked. We connected.
Eventually the froyo place opened, and we moved our conversation over there, taking one of their comfy couches. I asked to hold her hand. She let me. Her touch was something I cannot put into words – but I tried. She smiled and leaned against me. I put my arm around her. We cuddled for quite some time.
I was ecstatic.
Eventually the date ended, and we made plans for another. This time I wanted her to come to my house, so that we could grab the couch and converse, or maybe watch one of several films that were deeply meaningful to me.
She came, we sat down, and she melted into my arms. I laid light kisses in the top of her head. She rested her head on my chest.
There is no heaven, but if there was, it would pale before the feeling of having Denise in my arms.
This is when things went south.
Even though Gen and I were exes, we were still amicable – and still housemates. I was happy to introduce Denise to Gen. Denise was not happy I still was living with my ex.
Strike 1.
Gen and I through the years had found ways to aid each other in life tasks. For example, I brought in the wood from the garage so she could have a fire in the stove in the kitchen for ambiance. Gen cooked me a batch of food each weekend that I could reheat during the week. Even though we were now housemates and not partners, we still did these things for each other. Denise saw it as Gen mothering me.
Strike 2.
While Denise and I conversed, somehow the subject of credit scores came up. I guilelessly mentioned that mine was not good as I never took out loans; I did not like using credit. That I preferred to pay for what I needed, and if I couldn’t pay for it, I would do without. This became a conversation about resources and means. I was honest.
Strike 3.
The date still ended cordially, and we spoke of making plans for the next one.
Denise called me up in a few hours and dumped me over the phone.
Welcome back, epic pain and suffering.